(Written almost 6 years ago…revised for the present.)
Impatient and restless – qualities that are very characteristic of me, qualities very familiar; and, ‘Familiarity breeds contempt’. I understand how true the statement is. Now, I have a refreshing feeling when I am out of these known sensations. I welcome this calmness that visits me rarely. I don’t feel like chatting with anyone, visting any of my friends or calling any one whom I haven’t, for a long time. I sit on the terrace, under the shade of the cocount tree, looking at the blue sky, enjoying the breeze.
I am almost not wasting even an iota of energy. ‘Energy’…valuable energy. Generally, I do get such weekends, staying at home, the same afternoon passing by me. After a nice spicy brunch, I recline on the chill floor of my study with the Sunday magazine. In short time, the news paper falls over me as I doze away for the next one hour or so. This happens most of the time. Otherwise, I am watching TV – One couch-potato watching another cupboard-potato (I wouldn’t call it an idiot-box). Still, all the time, I sense the restlessness and impatience that runs through me. Something that is not explicit, but in the mind.
Now I completely know why i feel so, although I had doubts initially. I have never been free of thoughts. And that’s also why I have felt the drain. Something or the other induces my thinking all day long. Fear, idea,happiness, concern, responsibility. Thoughts of different shades taking turns to overwhelm me. I don’t know what actually causes them. Is it the Sunday supplementary that carries material about the war on Iraq, the nightmares (‘noon’ mares) that occupy the post-lunch nap, the discussion I had with my mom in the morning? I am not sure. But I am certain it is because of my fidgety self.
However, I also feel positive about what I am. I remember Irene Peter’s quote that allows me to justify: “Ms.Peter’s Law – Today, If you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly.” So I also realise, as I have been impatient with my thoughts, I have unknowingly been confused between them. Either between contradicting ones, or as I switch between thoughts, or about the same one.
These are like bitter pills, apparently, uneasy ones. But it is all about the result. It is the cure. The cure is the refinement I gain out of them. If my thoughts, on the other hand degrade me, that’s my problem. It depends on their calibre, again attributed to the self.
But for whatever said, familiarity does breed contempt. So, I value this serenity that comes to me once in a blue moon. I want to utilise it to the fullest. Now, I hear the language of the crows above, locked in their nests. I don’t understand their language. I am happy I don’t . I won’t think about that.